I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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