Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
