i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
