we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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