good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
