Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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