I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
