all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
