by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
