You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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