dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
