Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
