1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
