did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
