I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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