i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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