did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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