You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
