My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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