i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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