Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
