Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
