she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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