Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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