a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
