is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
