His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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