Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
