I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
