having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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