You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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