i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
