I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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