I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
