I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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