I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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