my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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