I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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