i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
