I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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