my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
