My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
