I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
whose parrot is this?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
