TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
