Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
