SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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