I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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