I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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