So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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