No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
