Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Dick very happy bro
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize