Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
NoShamevember. You game?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
