I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You took a bar mat shot.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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