Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
