and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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