Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
