I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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