Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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