Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
there's paper in my vomit.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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