on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
