And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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