There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
